An Introduction

I am starting this blog as a way to document the portions of my life that I am not willing to share anywhere else. I plan to be fully honest, but will be replacing names, places, and anything else that may give away my actual identity due to the topics I want to write about. Judge me if you will, I probably deserve it.

I am married to a man that I have been with for the majority of my adult life. We have been together since before I fully knew who I was, and that seems to be hindering things in our relationship to an extent. He is older, and was already set in his ways and in his person at the time we started dating. We were experiencing overall relationship issues, but they seem to be improving. However, the one thing that is not working is our sex life. He is the first man I ever slept with, and at the time I was extremely insecure and lacked self-confidence and self-knowledge. I have since learned a million things about myself, including the fact that I am extraordinarily open-minded and sexually driven.

What started as (somewhat) innocent flirtations online have begun to spiral a bit out of control. I posted a few things looking for male friends to talk to, and that has been fine. I missed having male friends, as that was the majority of what I had in college and in high school, but had since tapered off. I also reconnected with a few old friends from online, and of course, there was flirtation there.

I made a bit of a decision that was probably not the wisest, but so far is working for me, to an extent. I want to say, first and foremost, that I know that what I am doing is wrong. I also know that I would hate to end a marriage strictly over bad sex. So for now, I am using my actions as a bandaid of sorts.

My original rules that I created for myself were that, no matter what I did, it would not involve any actual intercourse. I have since broken that rule once, and I am not particularly proud of that. However, I want to explore my sexuality in a way that my husband is unwilling to do with me, and so I am seeking it out elsewhere.

I don't feel guilty for what I am doing; I only worry slightly about being caught, for what it would do to him, not for the consequences it would present me with.